Filed under: Love Making, MP3s | Tags: Animal Collective, Architecture in Helsinki, Coke Farts, El Guincho, Girl Talk, I'm a succesful deejay, Inadequacy, Jens Lekman, New Years, Party, R & B, Samantha Ronson, Suicide, TV on The Radio
So, apparently someone read – what he called “my cry for help” – and is letting me Deejay his New Year’s party in his parent’s basement. It’s gonna be crazy awesome.
Get ready BOYZ I'mma gonna make this new years the best!
I mean, I’ve already picked out what I’m going to wear – white shirt with something witty written in Helvetica, my super tight jeans, black converse sneakers that I’ve aged with steel wool and red wayfarers. I’ve been practicing what my face is going to look like as I scroll through my mac book looking for the next perfect song to blend seamlessly. Of course, I didn’t realize that it was going to be that hard to ‘perform’ and ‘be on’ as well as deejay, so I decided to preplan my ‘playlist.’
I’ve chosen a wide variety of club-bangers, party starters, power anthems, chill-out tunes and hype remixes that will give the appearance of being effortlessly hip and
relevant. But then I realized that you guys were probably just going to listen to City and Color and Dave Matthews and not reach your full party potential, so I’m giving you guys the chance to experience Pete the audio new years experience.
I go classy people, classy like Clark Gable. Here’s the playlist:
This is my arsenal as a soldier in the Barrie DEEJAY wars.
Click here to download 2.2 Hrs of Club-bangers!
Look at that list.. those kids (..and you the downloader) are totally lucky. Look at some of the placement – Use Somebody, the most ambitious power anthem that will soon grace the meaningful end scene of one of your favourite teen-based tv shows’ mid-season finale – while it begins with Animal Collective’s slow burning chanter ‘My Girl.’ I’m soo looking forward to seeing the looks on their faces as they realize that I’m shaping their musical tastes.
He actually asked me to buy him booze first, but then I said only if I could deejay his shindig. Oh, he said Yessss
I’m not getting paid for this, instead they said I could keep whatever change is left over
from the money they give me to pick them up alcohol, Though I’ll totally end up spending it on some energy drink infused with vodka; even though it gives me horrible diarrheas and makes me black out – it’s better than having coke farts
Filed under: This Is My Jam | Tags: Architecture in Helsinki, Bad Video/Good Song, Dance Routines, Pills
If I was still a twelve year old girl I’d hang out in the schoolyard with my fly girl pep squad and we’d sparkle motion up a sweet ass choreographed dance routine to this jam
That’s for real.
You’re welcome world.
Filed under: Comic Books, Panel a Day | Tags: Depression, Fantastic Four, Inadequacy, Jack Kirby, Relevant, Stan Lee
Even large men made of Stone can cry manly tears.
Sometimes I’m really a sensitive person. This is one of those times.
This is the form my depression takes.
Taken From:
Melodrama.. wow, what a cover.
Fantastic Four #51 (June, 1966)
Written by Stan Lee
Drawn by Jack “The King” Kirby
Filed under: Love Making, MP3s | Tags: Animal Collective, Jesus saves, Pills, R & B, Relevent, Suicide, Warming Your Cockles
I’ve been pretty depressed lying on a couch in tight gray track pants trying to come to terms that I’m not hip or happening and would never make it as a DJ ’cause I’m not dating a lesbian or the son of the guy who owns Mandarin. I was in the middle of deciding whether to take a bath with a toaster or eating a gun when I decided to choose a song to play over and over while I killed myself – Like Ian Curtis or the kid who played a song from BLINK 182’s (Miss U so much) meaningful period, when I saw the list of my itunes 30 recently played!
Submitted for the approval of the midnite society I call this: "The Playlist that made me realize that I'm still hip and relevant."
That’s when I realized I was hip and happening and that if I so choose I could totally just put my iTunes on shuffle and I would be an amazing DJ!
Thank you Lord!
Filed under: Ballsack, Comic Books, Love Making | Tags: Amazonian Women, Bondage, Coke Farts, Comic Books, I'm gonna be on A & E's Intervention!, Inadequacy, Jack Kirby, Mister Miracle, People are staring at me whilst I write this, Ultra-Violence
We dress like this for work every other day to keep things FRESH.
I work at a comic book store that’s super amazing because they let me sleep in the backroom when I’m too messed off of my anti-depressants to venture outside for fear of pooping my pants, but also because I get to read comics all day long and learn about what would happen to me if my really rich parents were to have been killed by a mugger after watching Antonio Banderes’ Mask of Zorro, or if I was a super powered immigrant from a war torn planet (Poland maybe?) raised by kindly white bread american folks, who would urge me to hide my ethnic powers except when I wear a very flamboyant costume.
Any way, there’s a lot to like about comics, mostly it’s the way that they make me feel like there are heroes in this world who wear capes (unlike my cousin Reggie who wears a cape to the beach because he’s ashamed of his Bacne) and that sometimes having a black and white view of the world is a good thing.
I think a lot about Batman, probably more than I or any person should. I know everything about him – everything, Hell Grant Morrison’s Batman run has been completely readeable and understandeable to me. But the truth is he is not my favourite super hero. Nope, not even close.
No my favourite Superhero is Mister Miracle: Super Escape Artist.
That’s right. Perhaps the craziest thing that Jack Kirby ever created. (which when taking into account that this guy created most of the Marvel Universe, something called Devil Dinosaur, Kamandi the Last boy and my personally favourite: OMAC.)
Okay, so here’s the deal with Scott Free (aka Mister Miracle) – He’s the son of a New God, who traded him to another New G
.....for real ...this is an actual panel.
od (an evil one named Darkseid) so that there planets could have a shakey if not totally reasonable peace agreement. Scott was raised in a Dicken’s like Orphanage called the Armaghetto and was brutally beaten up every day. He then escaped to earth (thereby triggering an end to the cease fire) and became a Super Escape Artist using the skills and equipment he picked up on his freaky torture planet. Oh, and his father-figure is a Dwarf named Oberon and he’s married to a Butchy Amazonian chick named Big Barda who wields something crazy phallic known to her as the ‘Mega-rod’ …and she’s the leader of an elite group of lesbian commando’s known as “The Female Furies.”
The best part is? I’m totally not even close to being jokey or sarcastic.
God I love comics.
So yeah, I’m totally into Mr. Miracle ’cause he’s insanely crazy and each issue basically follows the same story progression; we start with him about to practice a crazy escape that means sure death, something happens, everyone stands around for a few panels being angry that he died then he reveals that he didn’t – he escaped using crazy machinery that Kirby draws the shit out of, then he’s kidnapped by some reject from his old planet who has a crazy named like Vermin Vundabar, Doktor Bedlam, Kanto, Madame Evil Eyez, Supreme Magnificence, etc.. and instead of shooting him in the face and ending it, they put him in an escape proof trap.. which he escapes and yeah, that’s the ending.
It’s awesome.
mISS u!!!?!?!!!?!!?!?!
Every panel is draw with a crazy amount of energy that if Hipsters could bottle it, it would could replace the vancancy left by the banning of Sparks and Coke (Coke Farts are making the Girl Talk concerts a lot less fun for me to go too.. for real.)
Filed under: Ballsack, Love Making | Tags: Christmas Time is Here again, midnight musings
Christmas is pretty much the most special time of year. It’s the one time that people touch me without slapping cuffs on me or pushing me up against a cold wall in a dark alley and making me feel like the first couple minutes of a Law & Order SVU episode.
I’m really glad that I get to spend Christmas with my family this year as before they wouldn’t let me in because they ‘weren’t ready to forgive me.’ But this year since I passed my blood and urine tests and I’m specially monitored by a nice court-ordered Jewish fellow who doesn’t mind spending the day amongst – what he called - ‘goys’ – I’m treated to awesome comments like: “Yes, it is quite cold” and “That’s great that you got rid of that horrible cyst removed from your eyelid.”
Merry Christmas friends of friends.
Filed under: Love Making | Tags: Abortions, Lily Allen, nips, nude, Warming Your Cockles
Lilly Allen is totally my dream girl
I want to date Lily Allen, I’ve probably told you this before because I’ll tell anyone who listens that she’s the right kind of ‘fucked-up‘ – the kind of girl who would totally snort coke all night and then get mad at me for not doing it and then sleep with my best friend to get back at me, even though i wasn’t angry at all… she’s so perfect.
I want her to have my miscarriage. Seriously, she’s totally the girl for me; if we dated people would constantly be awkward around me and feel bad because they totally saw on TMZ that she got finger banged by the dude from Twilight, they won’t tell me though, ’cause they’ll see how happy I am just being with her, listening to her write pseudo-cheerful songs about getting herpes and me believing that she actually got it from a toilet seat.
We’re going to be together forever.
Stalk U
Man, abortions are actually very pretty...
_
Filed under: Ballsack | Tags: midnight musings, Ultra-Violence, Warming Your Cockles
We’re in pretty heavy white-out country here, so curl up with the one you love, the one who’ll hold you close without judging you – and watch the ultra-violence that is Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky.
Sometimes Revenge is the only way to keep warm.
Merry Christmas
Updated!!! with clip so you can realize just how awesome this movie is!
I really appreciate that you guys take your time out to read my thoughts. I know that pretty much everything I write is super-meaningful like a Death Cab For Cutie song or a power ballad in the 80s with orchestral swells and the fact that so many of you, including some rando who wants me to go to his birthday party, are so over come with emotion when you read my notes really, honestly, truly, makes me get a huge boner in my pants.
I know you want to know all about me, but if I was a lady i’d totally be the one who plays hard to get – y’know? I’d reveal little things, dish out small details that you’d hold onto like it autographed picture of Estelle Geddy. (that shit went up in price when she died, like oil during the war on terrors1 )
So for instance, enjoy this story.
When I was in University I had the most lethal case of the Unrequited Loves (located above Urinary tract disorder in the Big Books of Diseases that legit Doctors have behind them) for this girl with blond hair and what I can only vaguely remember as being darkish eyes.. any ways, the only reason I think I liked her is because she totally looked like a Femme Fatale and every time I saw her she totally rocked a “I’m Going To Take Over The Planet In An Evil Way” look that totally does it for me. (Memo to all the girls who totally want me as their loser live-in boyfriend who holds them back.)
Any way we totally bonded one night over a shared love of R.L Stein’s Goosebump series. We stayed up all night, drank cheap wine until 4 am. We ended up M.Oing for a bit then we made vigorous yet tender love. As she drifted off to sleep, I quietly left the bed, put on my BDG skinny jeans, tied up my cons and then, she awoke as I opened the door, I put my index finger to her lips and mouthed: “I loved you.” Then I refiled through her fridge, stole some money from her roommate’s purse and peed in the back of her toilet2.
…as I left I took her paper to read on the bus.
But I’m pretty sure she got the last laugh, as I still haven’t got rid of my yeast infection.
1See: here’s another one. I’m topical and super political, I attend rallies and suffer from white guilt all the time.
