You Practically Rock

Things I’ve Learned From My Best Friend.
January 16, 2009, 9:06 pm
Filed under: Love Making | Tags: , , , , , ,
Thank you for defending us.

Thank you for defending us.

1. It’s not called ‘rape’ it’s called ‘suprise sex.’

2. re: #1 – ‘[I] love it’

3. Nothing is more glorious than writing someone’s name in ‘firework glory.’

4. Telling children that your camera steals their soul is only funny when the children demand their souls back, and you laugh maniacally.

5. Everyone goes to rub and tugs because sometimes at the end of the night “you’re too drunk to really attempt that shit on your own.”

6. re: #5: “No one wants to fall asleep with their hand on their own penis.”

7. re: #6: “Not that you want to fall asleep with your hand on someone elses penis either.”

8. It’s possible to be number one. number one at sucking on your team.

9. ” I found a french fry in it and I haven’t had french fries in weeks. Okay that’s a lie.”

10.  When a real man shaves his mustache it bleeds, not because he’s cut himself, but his skin is crying for once it was beautiful.

and finally in honor of the man, I’m offering you the recipe to Porch climber*.

6 beers

1 26er of Vodka

Frozen Concentrated Lemonade Mix

Two one pound bags of Ice.

Directions:  Pour ice into  a cooler, then pour in the beer, then the vodka, then the lemonade mix. drink. serves alot of one selfish drunk bastard.

*Why Porch Climber? because once you drink it, you get so drunk that you lock yourself out of the house and climb the porch to get in.


Wherein I discuss how fashion forward I am, then contemplate my future
Cam whore.

Cam whore.

People often approach me on the street and ask me if I’m in a band. I suppose this is because when people see someone in a band they are dressed in super-trendy, avant guard haute cotour, this is probably what those same people who approach me on the street to ask me if I’m in a band are trying to say: I’m very fashion forward

Thinking back on it now I’ve always sort of had people assume I’m in a band, when I was growing up a kid in the suburbs I was often asked what the name of my boy band was – perhaps due to my spiky hair sticking out of my nike visor, whilst I wore an oversized jersey and baggy, low slung faded jeans.

I remember specifically after everything changed on 9/11 people thought that I was a member of Toby Keith’s backing band because of my penchant for wearing Defiant blues, blood-stained reds and patriotic whites. (all made of denim.)

But now, I’m thinking that I want something different, I want to become a ‘new person’ with a ‘varying style’ that no one ‘can really pin down it’s influence’ – like the Olsen twins or the guys from 98 Degrees.

I’m trying to find a new clothing style, should I follow in the footsteps of The Vampire Weekends and dress like a Wes Anderson character?

I actually adore this band.

In Truth: I actually adore this band.

Should I take steroids and spend a little too long in a tanning booth and accent everything with pink? Should I hide my thinning hair with a faux hawk? Should I practice Blue Steele all the time? Should I dig only songs that have enough bass that I can pump through my I-Roc Z/Probe/Mom’s Neon/Mom’s Sentra/Dad’s Miata

Most of my nightmare actually start at Mystic Tan

Most of my nightmare actually start at Mystic Tan

Should I become Punk Rock and get a full sleeve tatoo filled with meaningful symbols such as stars, starlings and a 1950s pin up model? Should I make sure to sneer at stuff and feel that everyone else is sheep, so I lose myself in cocaine and ecstacy because I want to ‘feel something that I’m not supposed to?*’

Should I wear American Apparel clothing even though it could possibly lead to a inopportune nut slip?

At a Girl Talk Concert would I have to use Tape to make sure my nut cleavage didn't fall out?

At a Girl Talk Concert would I have to use Tape to make sure my nut cleavage didn't fall out?

How do you explain your personal brand to your parents?

Can you remain 100% to your self by constantly changing who you are? Or is what you wear only your skin that you shed in order to be reborn as an adult

*actual quote.

Wherein I discuss what it means to be ‘meaningful’
January 6, 2009, 3:21 pm
Filed under: Love Making | Tags: , , , , , ,

I’m going to be straight up with you Gs; I want people to look back at me and say: “wow, his words really struck a chord in me, he made me realize something profound.”

People constantly approach me on the street and reaffirm my belief that my words, my ‘voice’ is one filled with meaningfulness.

When me and my boys hang when we're older it will be even more meaningful because we're all dying.

When me and my boys hang when we're older it will be even more meaningful because we're all dying.

I’m sort of like a power ballad played at the climax of your favourite prime time teen soap opera. If I was a music video it would involve people looking pensively to the ground with their hands over their faces, then boom, they slowly look up with a wounded look that conveys just how meaningful that moment is to them.

I’m like the best friend who after a crazy night of drunkeness and random make outs with randos you sit in the parking lot of McDonald’s and you talk about how “these are the nights we’ll always remember” and then we show each other our techniques on ‘finger banging’ and then describe the best tug job that we recieved from that rando who was willing to do more but stopped herself because she thought we’d respect her more, and maybe the two of us could have more than ‘meaningful tugsies in the laundry room at a mutual friend’s house party’

There have been occasions where I say something totally profound that people have asked me if they could use it as their facebook status update, or as a quote on their wall. I’m usually very flattered and allow them to do so because for me it was a throwaway comment that didn’t mean much, but to them it’s something that they’ll live the rest of their lives by.

Inspiring words take this meaningful picture to the next level

Inspiring words take this meaningful picture to the next level

(“That Ukrainian stripper bit my penis” is a rally cry for those who feel uncomfortable in strip clubs.. you’re welcome.)

Sometimes I fear that maybe I’m not reaching enough people, because similar to Jesus I still only hang out with the same twelve dudes I grew up with, and have really only venture like 5 hours away from the safety of my Nazareth (Barrie, Ontario) Maybe that’s why I started this weblog because I want the world to understand that I’m ‘there for them’ and that ‘they can talk to me’

Also, It’d be nice to meet freaky girls who are DTF and want to try that dangerous stuff that could possibly get you arrested if you spring it on a girl who’s not prepared for it and or thinks that it’s ‘gross’ and ‘only something a crack addicted prostitute who’s done everything could ever really get her mind around.’

Sometimes I really hate you for being close minded.

My New Years Gift To You (But mostly to the 17 year old who’s letting me DJ his Party.)

So, apparently someone read – what he called “my cry for help” – and is letting me Deejay his New Year’s party in his parent’s basement. It’s gonna be crazy awesome.

Get ready BOYZ I'mma gonna make this new years the best!

Get ready BOYZ I'mma gonna make this new years the best!

I mean, I’ve already picked out what I’m going to wear – white shirt with something witty written in Helvetica, my super tight jeans, black converse sneakers that I’ve aged with steel wool and red wayfarers. I’ve been practicing what my face is going to look like as I scroll through my mac book looking for the next perfect song to blend seamlessly. Of course, I didn’t realize that it was going to be that hard to ‘perform’ and ‘be on’ as well as deejay, so I decided to preplan my ‘playlist.’

I’ve chosen a wide variety of club-bangers, party starters, power anthems, chill-out tunes and hype remixes that will give the appearance of being effortlessly hip and
relevant. But then I realized that you guys were probably just going to listen to City and Color and Dave Matthews and not reach your full party potential, so I’m giving you guys the chance to experience Pete the audio new years experience.

I go classy people, classy like Clark Gable. Here’s the playlist:

This is my arsenal as a soldier in the Barrie DEEJAY wars.

This is my arsenal as a soldier in the Barrie DEEJAY wars.

Click here to download 2.2 Hrs of Club-bangers!

Look at that list.. those kids (..and you the downloader) are totally lucky. Look at some of the placement – Use Somebody, the most ambitious power anthem that will soon grace the meaningful end scene of one of your favourite teen-based tv shows’ mid-season finale – while it begins with Animal Collective’s slow burning chanter ‘My Girl.’ I’m soo looking forward to seeing the looks on their faces as they realize that I’m shaping their musical tastes.

He actually asked me to buy him booze first, but then I said only if I could deejay his shindig.

He actually asked me to buy him booze first, but then I said only if I could deejay his shindig. Oh, he said Yessss

I’m not getting paid for this, instead they said I could keep whatever change is left over

from the money they give me to pick them up alcohol, Though I’ll totally end up spending it on some energy drink infused with vodka; even though it gives me horrible diarrheas and makes me black out – it’s better than having coke farts

Why My Heart Grew Ten Sizes This Morning
December 29, 2008, 7:36 am
Filed under: Love Making, MP3s | Tags: , , , , , ,

I’ve been pretty depressed lying on a couch in tight gray track pants trying to come to terms that I’m not hip or happening and would never make it as a DJ ’cause I’m not dating a lesbian or the son of the guy who owns Mandarin. I was in the middle of deciding whether to take a bath with a toaster or eating a gun when I decided to choose a song to play over and over while I killed myself – Like Ian Curtis or the kid who played a song from BLINK 182’s (Miss U so much) meaningful period, when I saw the list of my itunes 30 recently played!

"The Playlist that made me realize that I'm still hip and relevant."

Submitted for the approval of the midnite society I call this: "The Playlist that made me realize that I'm still hip and relevant."

That’s when I realized I was hip and happening and that if I so choose I could totally just put my iTunes on shuffle and I would be an amazing DJ!

Thank you Lord!

Wherein I discuss Comic Books, Coke and Energy.. kind of.
We dress like this for work every other day to keep things FRESH.

We dress like this for work every other day to keep things FRESH.

I work at a comic book store that’s super amazing because they let me sleep in the backroom when I’m too messed off of my anti-depressants to venture outside for fear of pooping my pants, but also because I get to read comics all day long and learn about what would happen to me if my really rich parents were to have been killed by a mugger after watching Antonio Banderes’ Mask of Zorro, or if I was a super powered immigrant from a war torn planet (Poland maybe?) raised by kindly white bread american folks, who would urge me to hide my ethnic powers except when I wear a very flamboyant costume.

Any way, there’s a lot to like about comics, mostly it’s the way that they make me feel like there are heroes in this world who wear capes (unlike my cousin Reggie who wears a cape to the beach because he’s ashamed of his Bacne) and that sometimes having a black and white view of the world is a good thing.

I think a lot about Batman, probably more than I or any person should. I know everything about him – everything, Hell Grant Morrison’s Batman run has been completely readeable and understandeable to me. But the truth is he is not my favourite super hero. Nope, not even close.

No my favourite Superhero is Mister Miracle: Super Escape Artist.1616068850_b9eb108223_o

That’s right. Perhaps the craziest thing that Jack Kirby ever created. (which when taking into account that this guy created most of the Marvel Universe, something called Devil Dinosaur, Kamandi the Last boy and my personally favourite: OMAC.)

Okay, so here’s the deal with Scott Free (aka Mister Miracle) – He’s the son of a New God, who traded him to another New G

.....for real ...this is an actual panel.

.....for real ...this is an actual panel.

od (an evil one named Darkseid) so that there planets could have a shakey if not totally reasonable peace agreement. Scott was raised in a Dicken’s like Orphanage called the Armaghetto and was brutally beaten up every day. He then escaped to earth (thereby triggering an end to the cease fire) and became a Super Escape Artist using the skills and equipment he picked up on his freaky torture planet. Oh, and his father-figure is a Dwarf named Oberon and he’s married to a Butchy Amazonian chick named Big Barda who wields something crazy phallic known to her as the ‘Mega-rod’ …and she’s the leader of an elite group of lesbian commando’s known as “The Female Furies.”

The best part is? I’m totally not even close to being jokey or sarcastic.

God I love comics.

So yeah, I’m totally into Mr. Miracle ’cause he’s insanely crazy and each issue basically follows the same story progression; we start with him about to practice a crazy escape that means sure death, something happens, everyone stands around for a few panels being angry that he died then he reveals that he didn’t – he escaped using crazy machinery that Kirby draws the shit out of, then he’s kidnapped by some reject from his old planet who has a crazy named like Vermin Vundabar, Doktor Bedlam, Kanto, Madame Evil Eyez, Supreme Magnificence, etc.. and instead of shooting him in the face and ending it, they put him in an escape proof trap.. which he escapes and yeah, that’s the ending.


It’s awesome.

mISS u!!!?!?!!!?!!?!?!

mISS u!!!?!?!!!?!!?!?!

Every panel is draw with a crazy amount of energy that if Hipsters could bottle it, it would could replace the vancancy left by the banning of Sparks and Coke (Coke Farts are making the Girl Talk concerts a lot less fun for me to go too.. for real.)

Hurray For Christmas!
December 25, 2008, 12:45 am
Filed under: Ballsack, Love Making | Tags: ,

Christmas is pretty much the most special time of year. It’s the one time that people touch me without slapping cuffs on me or pushing me up against a cold wall in a dark alley and making me feel like the first couple minutes of a Law & Order SVU episode.

I’m really glad that I get to spend Christmas with my family this year as before they wouldn’t let me in because they ‘weren’t ready to forgive me.’ But this year since I passed my blood and urine tests and I’m specially monitored by a nice court-ordered Jewish fellow who doesn’t mind spending the day amongst – what he called –  ‘goys’ – I’m treated to awesome comments like: “Yes, it is quite cold” and “That’s great that you got rid of that horrible cyst removed from your eyelid.”

Merry Christmas friends of friends.