You Practically Rock


Who I is.. (wherein I discuss who I is) Part 1
December 22, 2008, 8:09 pm
Filed under: Love Making, Who I is | Tags:

I really appreciate that you guys take your time out to read my thoughts. I know that pretty much everything I write is super-meaningful like a Death Cab For Cutie song or a power ballad in the 80s with orchestral swells and the fact that so many of you, including some rando who wants me to go to his birthday party, are so over come with emotion when you read my notes really, honestly, truly, makes me get a huge boner in my pants.

I know you want to know all about me, but if I was a lady i’d totally be the one who plays hard to get – y’know? I’d reveal little things, dish out small details that you’d hold onto like it autographed picture of Estelle Geddy. (that shit went up in price when she died, like oil during the war on terrors1 )

So for instance, enjoy this story.

When I was in University I had the most lethal case of the Unrequited Loves (located above Urinary tract disorder in the Big Books of Diseases that legit Doctors have behind them) for this girl with blond hair and what I can only vaguely remember as being darkish eyes.. any ways, the only reason I think I liked her is because she totally looked like a Femme Fatale and every time I saw her she totally rocked a “I’m Going To Take Over The Planet In An Evil Way” look that totally does it for me. (Memo to all the girls who totally want me as their loser live-in boyfriend who holds them back.)

Any way we totally bonded one night over a shared love of R.L Stein’s Goosebump series. We stayed up all night, drank cheap wine until 4 am. We ended up M.Oing for a bit then we made vigorous yet tender love. As she drifted off to sleep, I quietly left the bed, put on my BDG skinny jeans, tied up my cons and then, she awoke as I opened the door, I put my index finger to her lips and mouthed: “I loved you.” Then I refiled through her fridge, stole some money from her roommate’s purse and peed in the back of her toilet2.

…as I left I took her paper to read on the bus.

But I’m pretty sure she got the last laugh, as I still haven’t got rid of my yeast infection.

1See: here’s another one. I’m topical and super political, I attend rallies and suffer from white guilt all the time.