You Practically Rock


Wherein I discuss Comic Books, Coke and Energy.. kind of.
We dress like this for work every other day to keep things FRESH.

We dress like this for work every other day to keep things FRESH.

I work at a comic book store that’s super amazing because they let me sleep in the backroom when I’m too messed off of my anti-depressants to venture outside for fear of pooping my pants, but also because I get to read comics all day long and learn about what would happen to me if my really rich parents were to have been killed by a mugger after watching Antonio Banderes’ Mask of Zorro, or if I was a super powered immigrant from a war torn planet (Poland maybe?) raised by kindly white bread american folks, who would urge me to hide my ethnic powers except when I wear a very flamboyant costume.

Any way, there’s a lot to like about comics, mostly it’s the way that they make me feel like there are heroes in this world who wear capes (unlike my cousin Reggie who wears a cape to the beach because he’s ashamed of his Bacne) and that sometimes having a black and white view of the world is a good thing.

I think a lot about Batman, probably more than I or any person should. I know everything about him – everything, Hell Grant Morrison’s Batman run has been completely readeable and understandeable to me. But the truth is he is not my favourite super hero. Nope, not even close.

No my favourite Superhero is Mister Miracle: Super Escape Artist.1616068850_b9eb108223_o

That’s right. Perhaps the craziest thing that Jack Kirby ever created. (which when taking into account that this guy created most of the Marvel Universe, something called Devil Dinosaur, Kamandi the Last boy and my personally favourite: OMAC.)

Okay, so here’s the deal with Scott Free (aka Mister Miracle) – He’s the son of a New God, who traded him to another New G

.....for real ...this is an actual panel.

.....for real ...this is an actual panel.

od (an evil one named Darkseid) so that there planets could have a shakey if not totally reasonable peace agreement. Scott was raised in a Dicken’s like Orphanage called the Armaghetto and was brutally beaten up every day. He then escaped to earth (thereby triggering an end to the cease fire) and became a Super Escape Artist using the skills and equipment he picked up on his freaky torture planet. Oh, and his father-figure is a Dwarf named Oberon and he’s married to a Butchy Amazonian chick named Big Barda who wields something crazy phallic known to her as the ‘Mega-rod’ …and she’s the leader of an elite group of lesbian commando’s known as “The Female Furies.”

The best part is? I’m totally not even close to being jokey or sarcastic.

God I love comics.

So yeah, I’m totally into Mr. Miracle ’cause he’s insanely crazy and each issue basically follows the same story progression; we start with him about to practice a crazy escape that means sure death, something happens, everyone stands around for a few panels being angry that he died then he reveals that he didn’t – he escaped using crazy machinery that Kirby draws the shit out of, then he’s kidnapped by some reject from his old planet who has a crazy named like Vermin Vundabar, Doktor Bedlam, Kanto, Madame Evil Eyez, Supreme Magnificence, etc.. and instead of shooting him in the face and ending it, they put him in an escape proof trap.. which he escapes and yeah, that’s the ending.

mistermiracle03

It’s awesome.

mISS u!!!?!?!!!?!!?!?!

mISS u!!!?!?!!!?!!?!?!

Every panel is draw with a crazy amount of energy that if Hipsters could bottle it, it would could replace the vancancy left by the banning of Sparks and Coke (Coke Farts are making the Girl Talk concerts a lot less fun for me to go too.. for real.)

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Hurray For Christmas!
December 25, 2008, 12:45 am
Filed under: Ballsack, Love Making | Tags: ,

Christmas is pretty much the most special time of year. It’s the one time that people touch me without slapping cuffs on me or pushing me up against a cold wall in a dark alley and making me feel like the first couple minutes of a Law & Order SVU episode.

I’m really glad that I get to spend Christmas with my family this year as before they wouldn’t let me in because they ‘weren’t ready to forgive me.’ But this year since I passed my blood and urine tests and I’m specially monitored by a nice court-ordered Jewish fellow who doesn’t mind spending the day amongst – what he called –  ‘goys’ – I’m treated to awesome comments like: “Yes, it is quite cold” and “That’s great that you got rid of that horrible cyst removed from your eyelid.”

Merry Christmas friends of friends.



Merry Christmas Me! (Wherein I stalk Lily Allen and the future_
December 23, 2008, 11:32 pm
Filed under: Love Making | Tags: , , , ,

Lilly Allen is totally my dream girl

Lilly Allen is totally my dream girl

I want to date Lily Allen, I’ve probably told you this before because I’ll tell anyone who listens that she’s the right kind of ‘fucked-up‘ – the kind of girl who would totally snort coke all night and then get mad at me for not doing it and then sleep with my best friend to get back at me, even though i wasn’t angry at all… she’s so perfect.

I want her to have my miscarriage. Seriously, she’s totally the girl for me; if we dated people would constantly be awkward around me and feel bad because they totally saw on TMZ that she got finger banged by the dude from Twilight, they won’t tell me though, ’cause they’ll see how happy I am just being with her, listening to her write pseudo-cheerful songs about getting herpes and me believing that she actually got it from a toilet seat.

We’re going to be together forever.

Stalk U

Man, abortions are actually very pretty...

Man, abortions are actually very pretty...

_



An Early Christmas Present From Me to You
December 22, 2008, 11:47 pm
Filed under: Ballsack | Tags: , ,

We’re in pretty heavy white-out country here, so curl up with the one you love, the one who’ll hold you close without judging you – and watch the ultra-violence that is Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky.

Sometimes Revenge is the only way to keep warm.

Merry Christmas

Updated!!! with clip so you can realize just how awesome this movie is!



Who I is.. (wherein I discuss who I is) Part 1
December 22, 2008, 8:09 pm
Filed under: Love Making, Who I is | Tags:

I really appreciate that you guys take your time out to read my thoughts. I know that pretty much everything I write is super-meaningful like a Death Cab For Cutie song or a power ballad in the 80s with orchestral swells and the fact that so many of you, including some rando who wants me to go to his birthday party, are so over come with emotion when you read my notes really, honestly, truly, makes me get a huge boner in my pants.

I know you want to know all about me, but if I was a lady i’d totally be the one who plays hard to get – y’know? I’d reveal little things, dish out small details that you’d hold onto like it autographed picture of Estelle Geddy. (that shit went up in price when she died, like oil during the war on terrors1 )

So for instance, enjoy this story.

When I was in University I had the most lethal case of the Unrequited Loves (located above Urinary tract disorder in the Big Books of Diseases that legit Doctors have behind them) for this girl with blond hair and what I can only vaguely remember as being darkish eyes.. any ways, the only reason I think I liked her is because she totally looked like a Femme Fatale and every time I saw her she totally rocked a “I’m Going To Take Over The Planet In An Evil Way” look that totally does it for me. (Memo to all the girls who totally want me as their loser live-in boyfriend who holds them back.)

Any way we totally bonded one night over a shared love of R.L Stein’s Goosebump series. We stayed up all night, drank cheap wine until 4 am. We ended up M.Oing for a bit then we made vigorous yet tender love. As she drifted off to sleep, I quietly left the bed, put on my BDG skinny jeans, tied up my cons and then, she awoke as I opened the door, I put my index finger to her lips and mouthed: “I loved you.” Then I refiled through her fridge, stole some money from her roommate’s purse and peed in the back of her toilet2.

…as I left I took her paper to read on the bus.

But I’m pretty sure she got the last laugh, as I still haven’t got rid of my yeast infection.

1See: here’s another one. I’m topical and super political, I attend rallies and suffer from white guilt all the time.



By Popular Request…
December 22, 2008, 5:10 pm
Filed under: This Is My Jam | Tags:

I wish that early 90’s R & B sound never went away.



Emotional Waffles
December 21, 2008, 8:35 am
Filed under: Ballsack, Love Making | Tags: ,

I’m a really sensitive guy. People can usually find me crying tears for the plight of humanity. I really ‘get’ what people are going through, because I totally emphasize with them – you know?

I often find myself being the center to ‘Magnolia’ type situations that happen all around me. Sometimes in the middle of the six degrees of misery porn that happens all around me, I try to be that eye in the hurricane of humorlessness.
This is why I invented Emotional Waffles.

Because I’m a really good person that birds braid my long thick hair in the morning while anthropomorphic chipmunks help me squeeze into my skinny jeans – I try to share a little bit of joy with those less fortunate. This means, that I take the bad stuff and turn it into something better.

Emotional Waffles are filled with not just the main ingredients you need to make waffles, but also tears and bitterness. (we also add vanilla, ’cause no one likes bitter tasting waffles.) we then eat the waffles and feel better about ourselves. (except of course whoever got dumped; ’cause they’re still alone.)

Emotional Waffles are quite good. here is the recipe.

1 3/4 cup flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 cups of virgin’s tears
1/2 teaspoon salt
a pinch of the hair of the individual who dumped you
1 tablespoon sugar
3 eggs
1 3/4 cup of ballsack sweat.
7 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 1/2 cupsof Ugandan breast milk

mix the dry ingredients seperate then combine. let batter sit while you smoke cigarettes, listen to BOYZ II MEN and drink bourbon straight and play Russian Roulette and musical chairs to Monica’s hit jam: “Just one of those days”

You’re welcome world..

xoxo

Your boy,

Pete