You Practically Rock

Wherein I talk about my Aborted Mister Miracle TV Show

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the mid-1980s and try to pitch a Mister Miracle TV series. Just imagine how great it would be – Mister Miracle (Scott Free) teaching his young adopted street smart ‘Black Child’ Shilo Norman life lessons along with his Amazonian wife Big Barda and his cantankerous Dwarf Father Figure Oberon, while at the same time escaping from traps sprung on him by a variety of Granny Goodness’ minions from the Armaghetto.

Mike and The Mechanics would totally provide the theme song. (and in one episode would appear when young Shilo participates in a little telephone contest, is suddenly the lucky winner of a couple Mike and The Mechanic concert tickets. Unfortunately, with three eager family members and only one extra ticket, the stress of choosing someone may be too much for this 12-year-old to handle—so Shilo gives up his ticket and tells Shilo and Barda to go. Both won`t accept it and neither will Shilo. So while they were arguing about who would keep the ticket , Oberon answers the phone and it turns out to be Mike and the Mechanics. They all race to the door to see if it really was them. Then the invite them to sing at the stage with them. The family happily accepts and all is fun. But then Baron Bedlam shows up and sets up a trap but they all escape.)

Dude, seriously… I’ve got twenty seven episodes written here, you might as well call the series “Emmy Time”

(I may or may not have stolen this idea from Full House.)


Things I’ve Learned From My Best Friend.
January 16, 2009, 9:06 pm
Filed under: Love Making | Tags: , , , , , ,
Thank you for defending us.

Thank you for defending us.

1. It’s not called ‘rape’ it’s called ‘suprise sex.’

2. re: #1 – ‘[I] love it’

3. Nothing is more glorious than writing someone’s name in ‘firework glory.’

4. Telling children that your camera steals their soul is only funny when the children demand their souls back, and you laugh maniacally.

5. Everyone goes to rub and tugs because sometimes at the end of the night “you’re too drunk to really attempt that shit on your own.”

6. re: #5: “No one wants to fall asleep with their hand on their own penis.”

7. re: #6: “Not that you want to fall asleep with your hand on someone elses penis either.”

8. It’s possible to be number one. number one at sucking on your team.

9. ” I found a french fry in it and I haven’t had french fries in weeks. Okay that’s a lie.”

10.  When a real man shaves his mustache it bleeds, not because he’s cut himself, but his skin is crying for once it was beautiful.

and finally in honor of the man, I’m offering you the recipe to Porch climber*.

6 beers

1 26er of Vodka

Frozen Concentrated Lemonade Mix

Two one pound bags of Ice.

Directions:  Pour ice into  a cooler, then pour in the beer, then the vodka, then the lemonade mix. drink. serves alot of one selfish drunk bastard.

*Why Porch Climber? because once you drink it, you get so drunk that you lock yourself out of the house and climb the porch to get in.

I’m Lazy – Here are some Music Videos (Part One in an ongoing series)

My New Years Gift To You (But mostly to the 17 year old who’s letting me DJ his Party.)

So, apparently someone read – what he called “my cry for help” – and is letting me Deejay his New Year’s party in his parent’s basement. It’s gonna be crazy awesome.

Get ready BOYZ I'mma gonna make this new years the best!

Get ready BOYZ I'mma gonna make this new years the best!

I mean, I’ve already picked out what I’m going to wear – white shirt with something witty written in Helvetica, my super tight jeans, black converse sneakers that I’ve aged with steel wool and red wayfarers. I’ve been practicing what my face is going to look like as I scroll through my mac book looking for the next perfect song to blend seamlessly. Of course, I didn’t realize that it was going to be that hard to ‘perform’ and ‘be on’ as well as deejay, so I decided to preplan my ‘playlist.’

I’ve chosen a wide variety of club-bangers, party starters, power anthems, chill-out tunes and hype remixes that will give the appearance of being effortlessly hip and
relevant. But then I realized that you guys were probably just going to listen to City and Color and Dave Matthews and not reach your full party potential, so I’m giving you guys the chance to experience Pete the audio new years experience.

I go classy people, classy like Clark Gable. Here’s the playlist:

This is my arsenal as a soldier in the Barrie DEEJAY wars.

This is my arsenal as a soldier in the Barrie DEEJAY wars.

Click here to download 2.2 Hrs of Club-bangers!

Look at that list.. those kids (..and you the downloader) are totally lucky. Look at some of the placement – Use Somebody, the most ambitious power anthem that will soon grace the meaningful end scene of one of your favourite teen-based tv shows’ mid-season finale – while it begins with Animal Collective’s slow burning chanter ‘My Girl.’ I’m soo looking forward to seeing the looks on their faces as they realize that I’m shaping their musical tastes.

He actually asked me to buy him booze first, but then I said only if I could deejay his shindig.

He actually asked me to buy him booze first, but then I said only if I could deejay his shindig. Oh, he said Yessss

I’m not getting paid for this, instead they said I could keep whatever change is left over

from the money they give me to pick them up alcohol, Though I’ll totally end up spending it on some energy drink infused with vodka; even though it gives me horrible diarrheas and makes me black out – it’s better than having coke farts

In the New Year Everyday will be “Be Nice to Gargoyles Day”
December 30, 2008, 2:37 am
Filed under: Comic Books, Panel a Day | Tags: , , , , ,
Even large men made of Stone can cry manly tears.

Even large men made of Stone can cry manly tears.

Sometimes I’m really a sensitive person. This is one of those times.

This is the form my depression takes.

Taken From:

Melodrama.. wow, what a cover.

Melodrama.. wow, what a cover.

Fantastic Four #51 (June, 1966)

Written by Stan Lee

Drawn by Jack “The King” Kirby

Wherein I discuss Comic Books, Coke and Energy.. kind of.
We dress like this for work every other day to keep things FRESH.

We dress like this for work every other day to keep things FRESH.

I work at a comic book store that’s super amazing because they let me sleep in the backroom when I’m too messed off of my anti-depressants to venture outside for fear of pooping my pants, but also because I get to read comics all day long and learn about what would happen to me if my really rich parents were to have been killed by a mugger after watching Antonio Banderes’ Mask of Zorro, or if I was a super powered immigrant from a war torn planet (Poland maybe?) raised by kindly white bread american folks, who would urge me to hide my ethnic powers except when I wear a very flamboyant costume.

Any way, there’s a lot to like about comics, mostly it’s the way that they make me feel like there are heroes in this world who wear capes (unlike my cousin Reggie who wears a cape to the beach because he’s ashamed of his Bacne) and that sometimes having a black and white view of the world is a good thing.

I think a lot about Batman, probably more than I or any person should. I know everything about him – everything, Hell Grant Morrison’s Batman run has been completely readeable and understandeable to me. But the truth is he is not my favourite super hero. Nope, not even close.

No my favourite Superhero is Mister Miracle: Super Escape Artist.1616068850_b9eb108223_o

That’s right. Perhaps the craziest thing that Jack Kirby ever created. (which when taking into account that this guy created most of the Marvel Universe, something called Devil Dinosaur, Kamandi the Last boy and my personally favourite: OMAC.)

Okay, so here’s the deal with Scott Free (aka Mister Miracle) – He’s the son of a New God, who traded him to another New G

.....for real ...this is an actual panel.

.....for real ...this is an actual panel.

od (an evil one named Darkseid) so that there planets could have a shakey if not totally reasonable peace agreement. Scott was raised in a Dicken’s like Orphanage called the Armaghetto and was brutally beaten up every day. He then escaped to earth (thereby triggering an end to the cease fire) and became a Super Escape Artist using the skills and equipment he picked up on his freaky torture planet. Oh, and his father-figure is a Dwarf named Oberon and he’s married to a Butchy Amazonian chick named Big Barda who wields something crazy phallic known to her as the ‘Mega-rod’ …and she’s the leader of an elite group of lesbian commando’s known as “The Female Furies.”

The best part is? I’m totally not even close to being jokey or sarcastic.

God I love comics.

So yeah, I’m totally into Mr. Miracle ’cause he’s insanely crazy and each issue basically follows the same story progression; we start with him about to practice a crazy escape that means sure death, something happens, everyone stands around for a few panels being angry that he died then he reveals that he didn’t – he escaped using crazy machinery that Kirby draws the shit out of, then he’s kidnapped by some reject from his old planet who has a crazy named like Vermin Vundabar, Doktor Bedlam, Kanto, Madame Evil Eyez, Supreme Magnificence, etc.. and instead of shooting him in the face and ending it, they put him in an escape proof trap.. which he escapes and yeah, that’s the ending.


It’s awesome.

mISS u!!!?!?!!!?!!?!?!

mISS u!!!?!?!!!?!!?!?!

Every panel is draw with a crazy amount of energy that if Hipsters could bottle it, it would could replace the vancancy left by the banning of Sparks and Coke (Coke Farts are making the Girl Talk concerts a lot less fun for me to go too.. for real.)