You Practically Rock


Things I’ve Learned From My Best Friend.
January 16, 2009, 9:06 pm
Filed under: Love Making | Tags: , , , , , ,
Thank you for defending us.

Thank you for defending us.

1. It’s not called ‘rape’ it’s called ‘suprise sex.’

2. re: #1 – ‘[I] love it’

3. Nothing is more glorious than writing someone’s name in ‘firework glory.’

4. Telling children that your camera steals their soul is only funny when the children demand their souls back, and you laugh maniacally.

5. Everyone goes to rub and tugs because sometimes at the end of the night “you’re too drunk to really attempt that shit on your own.”

6. re: #5: “No one wants to fall asleep with their hand on their own penis.”

7. re: #6: “Not that you want to fall asleep with your hand on someone elses penis either.”

8. It’s possible to be number one. number one at sucking on your team.

9. ” I found a french fry in it and I haven’t had french fries in weeks. Okay that’s a lie.”

10.  When a real man shaves his mustache it bleeds, not because he’s cut himself, but his skin is crying for once it was beautiful.

and finally in honor of the man, I’m offering you the recipe to Porch climber*.

6 beers

1 26er of Vodka

Frozen Concentrated Lemonade Mix

Two one pound bags of Ice.

Directions:  Pour ice into  a cooler, then pour in the beer, then the vodka, then the lemonade mix. drink. serves alot of one selfish drunk bastard.

*Why Porch Climber? because once you drink it, you get so drunk that you lock yourself out of the house and climb the porch to get in.

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Random Thoughts for Jan. 14th, 2008

What’s up virgins. Sorry but I’ve been beyond busy these last few days, mostly doing things that only I could get away with doing. (Punching out dogs, ghost face killing, watching musicals and writing Knight Rider/M.A.S.K slash fic.)

– I’ve been bored. I’m trying to stay on the clean and sober path for 2k9. I’m trying to find out who I really am, trying to transform myself to be a more ‘authentic’ version of me. Mostly I want to distil myself to my true essence (which is what I used to think came out of my penis when I was young and would have dreams about Zeppelins and Anna Nicole Smith*.)

I often wonder what I really am; could anyone really be simply summed up in a sentence?

– You know how the elderly tend to dress the same as they did when they were in their prime? Or how some women seem to stick with a specific hair and make up style much longer than they should? Do you think this generation will do the same? Will I still rock skinny jeans and American appy thin tees well into my 50s? Will those x-treme dudes who wear volcom and billabong still be keeping it real and Just Keep Livin’ their life? Will they be the black jeans and tucked in t-shirts of the nows? Will I still be listening to Animal Collective in my 80s or will I be listening to some more suitable to my age.

– I no longer have a yeast infection. I miss it. It was something that I came upon all on my own. Like the first TV on the Radio album.

– Is there anything better than porn found on the television when you’re not expecting it? No, no there isn’t. Not even a cure for cancer. Ask most people with cancer and I’m sure they’d be pro found porn.

*Baby girl, I think about you everyday.



Wherein I discuss what it means to be ‘meaningful’
January 6, 2009, 3:21 pm
Filed under: Love Making | Tags: , , , , , ,

I’m going to be straight up with you Gs; I want people to look back at me and say: “wow, his words really struck a chord in me, he made me realize something profound.”

People constantly approach me on the street and reaffirm my belief that my words, my ‘voice’ is one filled with meaningfulness.

When me and my boys hang when we're older it will be even more meaningful because we're all dying.

When me and my boys hang when we're older it will be even more meaningful because we're all dying.

I’m sort of like a power ballad played at the climax of your favourite prime time teen soap opera. If I was a music video it would involve people looking pensively to the ground with their hands over their faces, then boom, they slowly look up with a wounded look that conveys just how meaningful that moment is to them.

I’m like the best friend who after a crazy night of drunkeness and random make outs with randos you sit in the parking lot of McDonald’s and you talk about how “these are the nights we’ll always remember” and then we show each other our techniques on ‘finger banging’ and then describe the best tug job that we recieved from that rando who was willing to do more but stopped herself because she thought we’d respect her more, and maybe the two of us could have more than ‘meaningful tugsies in the laundry room at a mutual friend’s house party’

There have been occasions where I say something totally profound that people have asked me if they could use it as their facebook status update, or as a quote on their wall. I’m usually very flattered and allow them to do so because for me it was a throwaway comment that didn’t mean much, but to them it’s something that they’ll live the rest of their lives by.

Inspiring words take this meaningful picture to the next level

Inspiring words take this meaningful picture to the next level

(“That Ukrainian stripper bit my penis” is a rally cry for those who feel uncomfortable in strip clubs.. you’re welcome.)

Sometimes I fear that maybe I’m not reaching enough people, because similar to Jesus I still only hang out with the same twelve dudes I grew up with, and have really only venture like 5 hours away from the safety of my Nazareth (Barrie, Ontario) Maybe that’s why I started this weblog because I want the world to understand that I’m ‘there for them’ and that ‘they can talk to me’

Also, It’d be nice to meet freaky girls who are DTF and want to try that dangerous stuff that could possibly get you arrested if you spring it on a girl who’s not prepared for it and or thinks that it’s ‘gross’ and ‘only something a crack addicted prostitute who’s done everything could ever really get her mind around.’

Sometimes I really hate you for being close minded.



Why My Heart Grew Ten Sizes This Morning
December 29, 2008, 7:36 am
Filed under: Love Making, MP3s | Tags: , , , , , ,

I’ve been pretty depressed lying on a couch in tight gray track pants trying to come to terms that I’m not hip or happening and would never make it as a DJ ’cause I’m not dating a lesbian or the son of the guy who owns Mandarin. I was in the middle of deciding whether to take a bath with a toaster or eating a gun when I decided to choose a song to play over and over while I killed myself – Like Ian Curtis or the kid who played a song from BLINK 182’s (Miss U so much) meaningful period, when I saw the list of my itunes 30 recently played!

"The Playlist that made me realize that I'm still hip and relevant."

Submitted for the approval of the midnite society I call this: "The Playlist that made me realize that I'm still hip and relevant."

That’s when I realized I was hip and happening and that if I so choose I could totally just put my iTunes on shuffle and I would be an amazing DJ!

Thank you Lord!



Merry Christmas Me! (Wherein I stalk Lily Allen and the future_
December 23, 2008, 11:32 pm
Filed under: Love Making | Tags: , , , ,

Lilly Allen is totally my dream girl

Lilly Allen is totally my dream girl

I want to date Lily Allen, I’ve probably told you this before because I’ll tell anyone who listens that she’s the right kind of ‘fucked-up‘ – the kind of girl who would totally snort coke all night and then get mad at me for not doing it and then sleep with my best friend to get back at me, even though i wasn’t angry at all… she’s so perfect.

I want her to have my miscarriage. Seriously, she’s totally the girl for me; if we dated people would constantly be awkward around me and feel bad because they totally saw on TMZ that she got finger banged by the dude from Twilight, they won’t tell me though, ’cause they’ll see how happy I am just being with her, listening to her write pseudo-cheerful songs about getting herpes and me believing that she actually got it from a toilet seat.

We’re going to be together forever.

Stalk U

Man, abortions are actually very pretty...

Man, abortions are actually very pretty...

_



An Early Christmas Present From Me to You
December 22, 2008, 11:47 pm
Filed under: Ballsack | Tags: , ,

We’re in pretty heavy white-out country here, so curl up with the one you love, the one who’ll hold you close without judging you – and watch the ultra-violence that is Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky.

Sometimes Revenge is the only way to keep warm.

Merry Christmas

Updated!!! with clip so you can realize just how awesome this movie is!