You Practically Rock

Wherein I talk about my Aborted Mister Miracle TV Show

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the mid-1980s and try to pitch a Mister Miracle TV series. Just imagine how great it would be – Mister Miracle (Scott Free) teaching his young adopted street smart ‘Black Child’ Shilo Norman life lessons along with his Amazonian wife Big Barda and his cantankerous Dwarf Father Figure Oberon, while at the same time escaping from traps sprung on him by a variety of Granny Goodness’ minions from the Armaghetto.

Mike and The Mechanics would totally provide the theme song. (and in one episode would appear when young Shilo participates in a little telephone contest, is suddenly the lucky winner of a couple Mike and The Mechanic concert tickets. Unfortunately, with three eager family members and only one extra ticket, the stress of choosing someone may be too much for this 12-year-old to handle—so Shilo gives up his ticket and tells Shilo and Barda to go. Both won`t accept it and neither will Shilo. So while they were arguing about who would keep the ticket , Oberon answers the phone and it turns out to be Mike and the Mechanics. They all race to the door to see if it really was them. Then the invite them to sing at the stage with them. The family happily accepts and all is fun. But then Baron Bedlam shows up and sets up a trap but they all escape.)

Dude, seriously… I’ve got twenty seven episodes written here, you might as well call the series “Emmy Time”

(I may or may not have stolen this idea from Full House.)


I’m Lazy – Here are some Music Videos (Part Two in an ongoing series)

Things I’ve Learned From My Best Friend.
January 16, 2009, 9:06 pm
Filed under: Love Making | Tags: , , , , , ,
Thank you for defending us.

Thank you for defending us.

1. It’s not called ‘rape’ it’s called ‘suprise sex.’

2. re: #1 – ‘[I] love it’

3. Nothing is more glorious than writing someone’s name in ‘firework glory.’

4. Telling children that your camera steals their soul is only funny when the children demand their souls back, and you laugh maniacally.

5. Everyone goes to rub and tugs because sometimes at the end of the night “you’re too drunk to really attempt that shit on your own.”

6. re: #5: “No one wants to fall asleep with their hand on their own penis.”

7. re: #6: “Not that you want to fall asleep with your hand on someone elses penis either.”

8. It’s possible to be number one. number one at sucking on your team.

9. ” I found a french fry in it and I haven’t had french fries in weeks. Okay that’s a lie.”

10.  When a real man shaves his mustache it bleeds, not because he’s cut himself, but his skin is crying for once it was beautiful.

and finally in honor of the man, I’m offering you the recipe to Porch climber*.

6 beers

1 26er of Vodka

Frozen Concentrated Lemonade Mix

Two one pound bags of Ice.

Directions:  Pour ice into  a cooler, then pour in the beer, then the vodka, then the lemonade mix. drink. serves alot of one selfish drunk bastard.

*Why Porch Climber? because once you drink it, you get so drunk that you lock yourself out of the house and climb the porch to get in.

So, Batman’s dead.
January 15, 2009, 5:24 pm
Filed under: Comic Books | Tags: , , , , , ,
Good Night Sweet Prince

Good Night Sweet Prince

So, Batman’s dead.

Frank Quitely's Variant Cover to All Star Batman and Robin #10

This is huge as I spend far too much time thinking about Batman. (for real son, I actually once wrote a treatment for a Bruce Wayne miniseries called “Bruce Wayne: Journey Into Knight, that basically filled in the blanks on where he recieved his training from.)

He’ll be back of course. It’s comics and no one ever really dies in comics.

Plus, Batman is not exactly a legacy superhero. You can’t pass the trauma of having your parents killed in front of you onto someone else. Not unless you’re fucking insane and crazy. (For the record Tim Drake only heard his Dad get killed.. totally different.)

Hopefully when Grant Morrison returns to Batman in a few months he’ll be writing Bruce Wayne as Batman again. (Especially since he’s apparently bringing with him Frank Quitely to draw the book, and everyone knows that those two bring the best out of each other. See basically anything they’ve worked on, especially All-Star Superman) and the idea of the two of them teaming up on Batman is the best news since I heard since JH Williams III did the three issue arc Club of Heroes two years ago.

Any way. yeah, so Batman’s dead. He died stopping the Final Crisis by shooting Darkseid with a bullet that goes back in time. It was fucking awesome, and when he got zapped by the omega beams he just seemed non plussed about it, letting out a trademark: “Hnnh” type annoyed grunt.  Here’s the pages for your viewing enjoyment.

Batman Dead? Batman... dying...

Batman Dead? Batman... dying...

Okay.. no not really..  here’s the panels.



So, yeah.

Oh, also: FYI. I think this is the first post that I haven’t made like horribly stupid remarks in, so In honor of that here’s a picture of Anna Nicole Smith Totally nude:

Nudity increase how many hits i get. Thanks Internets!

Nudity increase how many hits i get. Thanks Internets!

Random Thoughts for Jan. 14th, 2008

What’s up virgins. Sorry but I’ve been beyond busy these last few days, mostly doing things that only I could get away with doing. (Punching out dogs, ghost face killing, watching musicals and writing Knight Rider/M.A.S.K slash fic.)

– I’ve been bored. I’m trying to stay on the clean and sober path for 2k9. I’m trying to find out who I really am, trying to transform myself to be a more ‘authentic’ version of me. Mostly I want to distil myself to my true essence (which is what I used to think came out of my penis when I was young and would have dreams about Zeppelins and Anna Nicole Smith*.)

I often wonder what I really am; could anyone really be simply summed up in a sentence?

– You know how the elderly tend to dress the same as they did when they were in their prime? Or how some women seem to stick with a specific hair and make up style much longer than they should? Do you think this generation will do the same? Will I still rock skinny jeans and American appy thin tees well into my 50s? Will those x-treme dudes who wear volcom and billabong still be keeping it real and Just Keep Livin’ their life? Will they be the black jeans and tucked in t-shirts of the nows? Will I still be listening to Animal Collective in my 80s or will I be listening to some more suitable to my age.

– I no longer have a yeast infection. I miss it. It was something that I came upon all on my own. Like the first TV on the Radio album.

– Is there anything better than porn found on the television when you’re not expecting it? No, no there isn’t. Not even a cure for cancer. Ask most people with cancer and I’m sure they’d be pro found porn.

*Baby girl, I think about you everyday.

Wherein I discuss how fashion forward I am, then contemplate my future
Cam whore.

Cam whore.

People often approach me on the street and ask me if I’m in a band. I suppose this is because when people see someone in a band they are dressed in super-trendy, avant guard haute cotour, this is probably what those same people who approach me on the street to ask me if I’m in a band are trying to say: I’m very fashion forward

Thinking back on it now I’ve always sort of had people assume I’m in a band, when I was growing up a kid in the suburbs I was often asked what the name of my boy band was – perhaps due to my spiky hair sticking out of my nike visor, whilst I wore an oversized jersey and baggy, low slung faded jeans.

I remember specifically after everything changed on 9/11 people thought that I was a member of Toby Keith’s backing band because of my penchant for wearing Defiant blues, blood-stained reds and patriotic whites. (all made of denim.)

But now, I’m thinking that I want something different, I want to become a ‘new person’ with a ‘varying style’ that no one ‘can really pin down it’s influence’ – like the Olsen twins or the guys from 98 Degrees.

I’m trying to find a new clothing style, should I follow in the footsteps of The Vampire Weekends and dress like a Wes Anderson character?

I actually adore this band.

In Truth: I actually adore this band.

Should I take steroids and spend a little too long in a tanning booth and accent everything with pink? Should I hide my thinning hair with a faux hawk? Should I practice Blue Steele all the time? Should I dig only songs that have enough bass that I can pump through my I-Roc Z/Probe/Mom’s Neon/Mom’s Sentra/Dad’s Miata

Most of my nightmare actually start at Mystic Tan

Most of my nightmare actually start at Mystic Tan

Should I become Punk Rock and get a full sleeve tatoo filled with meaningful symbols such as stars, starlings and a 1950s pin up model? Should I make sure to sneer at stuff and feel that everyone else is sheep, so I lose myself in cocaine and ecstacy because I want to ‘feel something that I’m not supposed to?*’

Should I wear American Apparel clothing even though it could possibly lead to a inopportune nut slip?

At a Girl Talk Concert would I have to use Tape to make sure my nut cleavage didn't fall out?

At a Girl Talk Concert would I have to use Tape to make sure my nut cleavage didn't fall out?

How do you explain your personal brand to your parents?

Can you remain 100% to your self by constantly changing who you are? Or is what you wear only your skin that you shed in order to be reborn as an adult

*actual quote.

Wherein I discuss what it means to be ‘meaningful’
January 6, 2009, 3:21 pm
Filed under: Love Making | Tags: , , , , , ,

I’m going to be straight up with you Gs; I want people to look back at me and say: “wow, his words really struck a chord in me, he made me realize something profound.”

People constantly approach me on the street and reaffirm my belief that my words, my ‘voice’ is one filled with meaningfulness.

When me and my boys hang when we're older it will be even more meaningful because we're all dying.

When me and my boys hang when we're older it will be even more meaningful because we're all dying.

I’m sort of like a power ballad played at the climax of your favourite prime time teen soap opera. If I was a music video it would involve people looking pensively to the ground with their hands over their faces, then boom, they slowly look up with a wounded look that conveys just how meaningful that moment is to them.

I’m like the best friend who after a crazy night of drunkeness and random make outs with randos you sit in the parking lot of McDonald’s and you talk about how “these are the nights we’ll always remember” and then we show each other our techniques on ‘finger banging’ and then describe the best tug job that we recieved from that rando who was willing to do more but stopped herself because she thought we’d respect her more, and maybe the two of us could have more than ‘meaningful tugsies in the laundry room at a mutual friend’s house party’

There have been occasions where I say something totally profound that people have asked me if they could use it as their facebook status update, or as a quote on their wall. I’m usually very flattered and allow them to do so because for me it was a throwaway comment that didn’t mean much, but to them it’s something that they’ll live the rest of their lives by.

Inspiring words take this meaningful picture to the next level

Inspiring words take this meaningful picture to the next level

(“That Ukrainian stripper bit my penis” is a rally cry for those who feel uncomfortable in strip clubs.. you’re welcome.)

Sometimes I fear that maybe I’m not reaching enough people, because similar to Jesus I still only hang out with the same twelve dudes I grew up with, and have really only venture like 5 hours away from the safety of my Nazareth (Barrie, Ontario) Maybe that’s why I started this weblog because I want the world to understand that I’m ‘there for them’ and that ‘they can talk to me’

Also, It’d be nice to meet freaky girls who are DTF and want to try that dangerous stuff that could possibly get you arrested if you spring it on a girl who’s not prepared for it and or thinks that it’s ‘gross’ and ‘only something a crack addicted prostitute who’s done everything could ever really get her mind around.’

Sometimes I really hate you for being close minded.